13: The Pain Body in Others (and 2009 Spring Fund Drive)
On this episode of Living with Tolle we discuss other people’s pain bodies. What can you do when you see the special people around you suffering and you want to help? What can you do to support them in their awakening? This month, we’re also holding our Spring Fund Drive!
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Episode 13: The Pain Body in Other People & Spring Fund Drive
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Summary and Key Insights From This Episode
You Can Help Us Grow
We begin this podcast by talking about our Spring Fund Drive. During the month of April, you, our listeners, can help us grow by making a donation online. To show our gratitude, we are offering two special thank you gifts for those who donate: a video meditation and a tele-seminar led by Greg. Thank you in advance for all your support and for helping us continue to grow.
The Pain Body in Those Around Us
(at Minute 9:00)
We begin the discussion by sharing that a lot of recent listener feedback has been around the topic of other people’s pain-bodies. The common refrain in all of these inquires has been:
“I see them suffering and I want to help.”
As we awaken, through the teachings of Eckhart Tolle or other teachings, and cultivate a deeper level of awareness into the causes of our suffering, we naturally want to extend this wisdom or knowledge to those that we love and see suffering. And if the teachings of Eckhart Tolle have triggered your awakening and his insights into the pain-body have been part of a deeper shift, then seeing someone suffer senselessly is not easy to deal with.
Clear insights into the workings of the pain-body in your own life can lead to revelations into your condition and finally enable you to create what Tolle calls “space.” You are finally able to witness the pain body creating havoc within you and for the first time in your life, you can practice being “space” instead of the conditioned reaction. As you create a greater degree of space, then less of your life energy is tangled up in the pain body.
How do I share my insights with those I love?
If you have experienced an awakening, but your spouse, partner, child or parent has not, then how do you share the teachings or insights with them so that they get it? You may be in a similar situation. Most people report that the other is not interested or won’t listen at all. They remain stuck in their unconscious ways and do not want your input or advice. So the best thing you can do is take your focus off of them and re-direct it back to yourself.
If your pain body is being triggered by another person’s pain-body, then the problem is not their pain body but yours. You need to grow in presence power so you can be “space” for the other person. When their pain body is active or acting out, can you be in complete acceptance and offer the “space” to be, for the energy of the pain body to rise and fall? The pain-body in most people will always return to a dormant state, and so it is a matter of not reacting and allowing that energy to subside.
Leo emphasizes that this is not about getting people to “believe in Tolle.” He shares about his own past transformational experiences and the resistance me met from those around him after such growth. Keep in mind that after any sort of deeply transformative experience, the other people in your life will still be at their current level of transformation.
How can being in acceptance of the situation help?
If the other person is not willing to change, or if they have not entered their season of awakening, then resisting their current state of consciousness will only drain you of energy. If you are exerting all of your energy in an attempt to force the person to bend when they are not ready to bend, you will expend much of your precious life energy. If you were to take that life energy and re-direct it back into your own conscious growth, you would generate the ability to be space for your loved one much quicker than if you were exerting all of your energy.
As you harness your own energy to grow in presence power, you will be able to offer those you love one of the greatest gifts you can give: your conscious presence. If you can be consciously present for another, you give the pain-body within them nothing to resist, nothing to feed on. You offer them acceptance, non judgment, and no resistance.
Is there a way I can help them with their awakening?
Yes, besides offering them this precious “space” to be, no matter what is coming up in the present moment, you can also send them your positive regard. Greg shares a story from his coaching training where the group would focus on one individual and send them their positive regard. You can do this yourself by seeing your loved one in your mind’s eye and sending them positive regard, or positive energy.
You can also visualize the other person being awakened, open to the wisdom and information you have to share, and being “space” for their pain-body and for yours.
Visualization is a powerful tool for creating a specific outcome. Top athletes use visualization to create the perfect performance. Top sales producers use visualization to aid with creating a winning presentation and closing the sale. Visualization can also be used to create an awakening!
Leo also shares a practice that will help you fully accept the people around you, even at their most troubling or self-destructive behavior. Visualize the other person at his or her most troubling behavior, when their pain body is most active. Then visualize yourself holding their hand, accepting them without judgment, and sending them your love unconditionally. Since acceptance is the first step towards awakening, this practice will help you accept those around you fully, regardless of where they are in their own awakening.
Questions for further thought and comment
- In what situations does another person’s pain-body trigger your pain-body?
- What are the ways that you can be “space” for your loved ones?
- How have you attempted to awakened those closest to you?
One of the most challenging situations is to be present when those we are close too are acting out through their pain-body. We all need support with this one so let us know what your challenges are or where you are been successful!
Peace,
Leo & Greg
Comment by susan on 8 April 2009:
I have been listening to you both for quite a while and have found your webcast powerful all but for one situation in my life which doesnt seem to resolve.
It is reloving around my 21yr old son who after listening to your latest podcast THE PAIN BODY IN OTHERS , is i realize, seeing everything about me in a negitive light.
It has all come to a head over the last couple of days with my mother his grandmother and my auntie being told some negaitive things about me and my treatment of his bad bahaviour as he sees it, this has resulted in my receiving a nasty email from one ?
To this point i have chosen to accept his behaviour, commenting on things that are in plain denial of what i choose to be the rules of the house, those are that all the family respect the people in the house, engage with the family when passing, do small jobs when asked and pay small amount of housekeeping
He has gone against these rules again and again and again. It is very frustrating so this week with the arrival of the email it has come to light he has been running to family members giving his side of the story and resulting in them saying they wish to never see my face again!! It is extremely upsetting. I have confronted my son who was more than usually confrontational towards me,
I asked him to undo what he had done with the family and to behave in a better way to us here in this house. I am a single parent and have a partner who stays here mostly. I have put off all of us moving in together until problems in this family are resolved.
So finally yesterday he came home barely said hello went to his room and slept. A little while later I went to ask him if he could tidy his room up a bit and had he text the family to put right what he had put wrong.? I know was angry inside because of his attitude towards me still. It ended in me asking him to get his stuff and go away for a few weeks to think it over and to come back if he cant sort out his head about me apparently not being a good enough mother to him… I am heartbroken and feel that i tried accetpance over and over and over with him and it failed. I then was of the opinion that NO! YOU CANT TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY AND STILL LIVE A COMFORTABLE LIFE HERE. towards him believing this could be the answer, but that resulted in him running to get my family on side by twisting the truth of what had really happened….
…. It ended in me asking him to get his stuff and go away for a few weeks to think it over and to come back if he CAN sort his head out, about me apparently not being a good enough mother to him..
your truly
Susan
I am interested to hear other comments on how they have turned around such situations, when acceptance doesnt work!
Your Truly
Susan
Comment by Greg on 10 April 2009:
Hi Susan,
Thank you for sharing your situation with your son and being open and honest. When I talk about being in acceptance of a situation, it means being conscious, alert, pro-active, and dynamic. This type of awareness does not mean being resigned, but seeing the truth the best you can and making a conscious choice. If the situation is creating this much tension, then maybe the best choice was to ask your son to leave. You know the situation best and what choice or course of action is required to nurture presence.
If you know it is his pain-body that is shaping his perception of you, and it does sound that way, then know that the pain-body will always find the most negative perspective and want to dramatize or tells further lies to create more pain. The pain-body thrives on more pain.
At times, the best course of action for someone who is heavily taken over by their pain-body is to put them in jail, or medicate them, or ask them to move out. Their actions may be to damaging to continue to create “space” for them. If that is the case in your situation, then you need to make a conscious choice and be okay with that.
The idea behind being “space” for others is that you are no longer triggered by their pain-body. If you are still being triggered, and if their actions are “out of bounds” or illegal, then you need to make a conscious choice so your pain-body is not taking you down.
You cannot reason with a pain-body. You can only offer “space,” and if that is not effective, meaning the other person is not growing or evolving consciously, then drastic choices may be required.
You know the answer that is best for you, but those answers are hard to hear if your pain body is triggered. I recommend that you listen to the inner-body meditation on this website. Then at the end, when you are grounded and present, ask yourself this question: how can I take care of myself and best support my son?
Can you see beyond how your son is reacting through his pain-body, and see the truth of who he is at his core? Visualize your son with a smile on his face, loving you, appreciating you. His pain-body may be covering this up, but that love is still there within him.
I’m sending you positive regard Susan for a conscious and accepting relationship with your son!
Greg
Comment by Paul Sirotta on 12 April 2009:
“Shucks! I tried everything I could think of to make things come out the way I wanted, all in vain. Finally I tried acceptance, over and over, and that didn’t work, either.”
Does that about sum up the situation?
Well, is acceptance supposed to be just another strategy we employ to make things work out the way we wish, so that we can be more comfortable? In other words, do I accept you as you are in the hope that this will change you into what I want you to be?
True acceptance is surrender, and it begins with the realization that nothing outside needs to change to make me feel better inside. The discomfort I experience is not in the situation, whatever it is, but inside myself, and is due to my resistance to it.
My responsibility is not to fix the world, but to stop contributing to the world’s suffering and to end my own suffering by taking responsibility for my inner space.
Full acceptance of the situation you describe would put an end to your pain, no matter how it actually turns out.
Paul
Comment by Monique on 10 May 2009:
I am enjoying the podcasts so much. I download them and put them on my MP3 player. That way I can listen to them when I am cycling. I hope that you will be able to continue making them for a long time. I would miss them otherwise
Comment by Greg on 20 May 2009:
Hi Monique,
Thanks for listening and I’m glad we can bring an experience of presence to your cycling!
Our goal is to continue producing these podcasts for as long as Life is calling use to serve in this manner! How is Life calling you to serve? This is the question Eckhart recommends you ask yourself as a tool for discovering your life purpose!
All the best.
Greg
Comment by Patricia on 9 June 2009:
I have nbeen listening to Tolle for last year. Just found you on iTunes, I have been out of work for last year, and dont want to go back to same kind of job. listining to Tolle has help me to be more peaceful. and there are times i have the thoughts of OTHER than whats now in front of me. so here I am.
Comment by Patricia on 9 June 2009:
another thing thats been happening for me, i get upset- but insted of anger or how wrong another person is, i ‘feel’ it in my body, often in my lower tummy has great pain- i see how i use to run away from it by eating or anger
Comment by Greg on 9 June 2009:
Hi Patricia,
So happy that you have found us! All the best on your job search and you may want to check out podcast #8 and #12 for guidance on your journey! Reflecting on “how is Life calling me to serve” is also a great place to start.
Regarding your second comment, I’m not 100% sure from your description what your situation is, but it sounds like you are more aware than ever of the reaction as it is happening to you. As Eckhart states, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change.”
Now that you are growing in presence power, as you become upset, the emotion that follows is no longer completely taking you over and forcing you to eat or be angry. From your description, it sounds like you are experiencing this great pain in your solar plexus. My guess is that your body, and its vast intelligence, is trying to wake you up to the fact that being upset and feeling anger is actually harmful/painful to the body.
Your presence is waking you up to the reality of what happens physically to your body every time you become upset and then you become angry or eat.
That’s my guess. You need to discern the truth of your experience for yourself. Why are you now experiencing this pain in your lower tummy when you get upset? You know the answer - it is just a matter of becoming present and tuning in.
Thanks Patricia for being a part of our community and Leo will get back to you soon regarding your other questions.
Keep in touch!
Greg
Comment by Jenny on 9 June 2009:
Hi Greg,
here is Jenny at 4 o`clock in the morning in Munich, Germany.
When I was tossing around in my bed for hours, not being able to fall asleep, caus my painbody was giving me a hard time, feeling uptight and anxious about life and myself, thoughts racing ,crying and feeling again like the little child in the childrenshome, lost and helpless. Just when my mind was turning to go crazy, I decided to get up and remembered your page. It really helped to read and listen and somehow its much better than reading abook, because I felt, that I was not alone but part of a community, where everybody is struggling with similar problems. So it cr eated space and maybe I can find some sleep now, that Iam more down to earth - THE BIRDS ARE ALREADY SINGING THEIR MORNINGSONGS. So thank you so much for this website with all the courageous people being so honestly human.By the way iam 61, have a wonderful 26 year old daughter and I was just being left by ma partner for a much younger woman - loss is a very strong starter for my painbody. love to everyone outthere, lets never stop supporting each other !! Jenny
Comment by Greg on 10 June 2009:
Hi Jenny,
I trust you were able to get some rest once space was created:) I’m so happy to hear that the website, podcast, and the community could be of help for you. Yes, we are all struggling with similar problems - the structure of the ego is the same for all of us, it is just the specific story that is interchangeable.
Thanks for sharing about your current situation. Yes, loss is a very juicy life situation for the pain body to feast upon. I’m sending you positive regard for a conscious and healing journey! So glad you have a wonderful daughter to support you.
Take care.
Greg
Comment by Jenny on 13 June 2009:
thank you Greg for taking your time to answer - I find it really touching and supportive.
loss is a big theme in my life, since I was put into an orphan home by mother from th 1st month till I was almost 4 years old. Although I have done alot of therapy the matter of relationship is quite a painful issue for me - I tend to leave before iam left or choose
partners where the situation is very difficult. Mainly I found its all
about not being able to really trust and let go . I dont want to be depencdent and at thesame time i find it very hard to be comfortable just with myself - i feel incredibly lost and sad. when I get really still in meditation there is so much sadness and tears comin g up - at least it makes me feel more open and soft but also very vulnerable. I was always searching for love but it seems I was more romantic than realistic . I feel being my own hindrance and a deep sence of worthlessness and shame inside. I know its not true and I have very sweet friends and I wish I would be not so disappointing. May be I have too much selfpity. its difficult to become human in the best sense. have a joyful weekend with your family love jenny
Comment by Greg on 14 June 2009:
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for sharing yourself so openly and honestly. Awareness is the greatest agent for change, and being open and honest will afford you a greater sense of awareness.
You are loved so unconditionally from deep within, that One Life at the core of all life forms, and that is why I always guide people to that inner body meditation. Your pain can be dissolved, your story can be less energized, by disentangling your life energy from those stories and your thoughts about those stories. So go deep within and continue to draw from that never ending wellspring.
It is okay to feel sadness and tears coming up when you do so - that softness and openness is your true nature.
Within the process of life coaching, the past is honored and accepted, but the focus is on your current level of interaction with life and then the life you want to create. It may be difficult or challenging to become human, but what is the other choice. You can either grow in presence power and create the experience of being more human, or not.
I support you 100% creating a life of presence, connection, love, and being at peace with your past. You were given the miracle of life, a very precious gift, and that gift of life is yours to explore the joy of living - and to serve others.
Sharing your story will undoubtedly be a gift to some other visitor on this site. The story of your past is one gift you can share. I know you have many more gifts to offer.
How can you share your gifts? How can you be in service to others - and possibly others who share a similar past experience - knowing that as you enrich the lives of others your life will be enriched in return!
We all support you Jenny!
Greg